THINGS WILL HEAL AT THE PERFECT MOMENT (LIKE MY FOOT INJURY)

I have writer’s block – but I think it’s more of a person’s block, or something.

I’m going to say it directly: I haven’t written anything since November started, but now that I think about it, I haven’t done anything since I started to get a sense of what I want to do. It’s like, I spend so much of my time making plans and drafting posts and creating bluprints of all my crazy ideas and whatnot but I never really get around to doing them, ya feel? Instead of actually doing them, I daydream about the day I can freely make them happen, then go to my room to do homework, or something. I just feel like I’m wasting all this time trying to live up to everyone’s expectations so I can gain their persmission to be what I want. 

I’m aslo quite frustrated because I feel so drained and tired despite having an unexpected series of good days (regardless of my injured foot), because at the end of the day, I’ll suddenly remember that in a few hours I’ll be back on that metal chair, in the hollow four walls, caged with people I can’t stand to be with, some adult imposing information of me that’s being taught to every other kid in the world; and that thought alone exhausts me. Why do I need to learn all this stuff at school when there are so many other kids who knows it? Why do I need to contribute to the massive army of plain-brained followers with empty aspirations? 

Because everyone expects me to. And that’s the problem with me – I am driven by peer pressure, by what everyone thinks of me. But here’s the thing: as harsh as this may sound, no one thinks about you as much as you think they do. So go ahead, focus on you, and what you want, and what makes you happy. Just promise me you’ll live. Live a life that will not believe in the culture we have right now; have the guts to create your own. Don’t let them impose product on you, don’t let them hypnotize you into working your whole life for the wrong people. Stay in school, but don’t let it control you – don’t let it take over your life; you must take over your own life. 

Don’t let them dictate to you what your dreams are; find what you believe in, and stand up for it. They give us freedom, but make us feel guilty for using it. Don’t care about what they say, or make you feel. Don’t burn yourself to be the brightest.

Be free. Untangle yourself from the desire to meet inhuman expectations. Set expectations for yourself. Only you have the right to set up standards for yourself.

Have dreams, have goals, have plans to achieve them. Make insane wishes. Live in a cloud even if your science teacher tells you it’s made of water and you’ll probably slip through it; be as close to the sky as much as possible. Touch the rays of the sun and keep them in your pocket. Let the wind blow your hair all over your face.

If you get the chance, go barefoot, feel the soil within your toes. Lie down on the grass or the sand whenever you can; be as close to the earth as much as possible. Tear down your layers; the earth is stripped down for you, so you need not to struggle for each touch. You must deliver the same for her.

***

I wasn’t really planning to blog until my writer’s block goes away, but it seems it isn’t really going to anytime soon, so here’s an extra angsty blob of words it took me half a day to write. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy. I just attended a 5SOS fan party and explored a city I’ve never been to by foot with two of the best people in the world yesterday, we got a week off from school (it was sportsfest aka a completely valid excuse to just enjoy at school with food booths ! ! !) , my injured foot is starting to heal, I just discovered this awesome band with the cutest bassist ever – my ‘highs’ list goes on, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing on my ‘lows’ list. It’s just that, I feel like it’s a tad unfair to highlight just happiness, when God gave us both euphoria and melancholy, and it’s only right that we strive to achieve both. Too much sunshine can cause a desert, anyway.

But as Morrie Schwartz in Tuesdays with Morrie says, once you have felt this certain emotion, you must learn to detach yourself from it. Now repeat after me: this is sadness. I know how it feels. Now I must let go of it, because there are so many other emotions to experience, and this is only one of them. I must not let it win over me.

I’m suddenly so excited.