A CARNIVAL ATE YOU AND I FOR DINNER

I.

I don’t want to write about you all the time, but you always find a way to be the highlight of my day even if I only see you for two seconds during lunch period buying pineapple juice.

Your voice is so soft I want to sleep on it, and you’re so tall sometimes I wonder if you carry me high enough, I can go reach a cloud like in my fourth grade dreams.

You are the only thing I look forward to in this deadbeat institution, the subject of all my sentences.

I don’t see you as another human being; you’re much more than that, to me. You’re much more I can’t contain.

I just want to get lost in you and even if I know for a fact that you will never ever notice me let alone like me back you are still my sunshine my clouds my whole damn sky.

Everyday I dream of two bright sparkling suns bordered with black frames and braced stars, and it helps fill my mind with beautiful things.

II.

I haven’t seen you in a while. All the parts of me that feeds from seeing you is dying, and I don’t think this famine is gonna do me some good, since you occupy more parts of me than I thought. You’re so elusive and I’m so lost for words.

2:33 PM – I want to see you again and again I want to see you I want to see you I want to see you

2:34 PM – I want to see you walk past me so much that sometimes I wish you’d moonwalk your way back to the end of the hall then walk past me again and again and again until it makes no sense like a broken movie

2:36 PM – I want to see your smile everyday until I reach the point where I mistake your mouth for mine

2:44 PM – I want to see your hair (that looks like all the other boys’ hair) (but somehow I can tell you apart) (I can tell you apart, no matter what)

Seeing you is like watching a horror movie, where the lead character is cute.

It’s like, when you’re there, my eyes are fixed on you and nothing but you, but at the same time I want to put my eyes away.

I want to scream; my heart is racing – one reason being it is a horror movie, the other being that lead character is hella cute.

It’s like, what I see and what I feel from what I see scares me, but it doesn’t stop me – I continue it, finish it, then watch it again

                                    

I just want to see you again even though I’m scared of the things I might do if I do.

III.

I never get tired of seeing you, and the mere sight of you is like a warm hug or the first sip of hot chocolate. You’re not even cute – your hair is all weird, your teeth are all bucky; but your looks are not what I want to see. There’s just something about you that makes me feel like everything is worth it, and when I see you, it’s like a reminder that all of this isn’t for naught. You give me so many reasons to exist and it’s like, I feel like, songs end, books end, trips end, lives end, but that doesn’t mean they’re irrelevant. Endings are not evidence of irrelevance. When I see you, I get filled with this, this something that makes me want to explode into tiny little flowers that will greet everyone with a smile and you just make me feel like even if storms exist, rainbows do too and even if cigarettes do kill, they at least give you euphoria and I always get filled with this something, something, when I see you. And I kinda need that something everyday.

I think I’ve come to the point where whenever I see someone with shoulders too broad for his body or weird spiky hair I automatically think it’s you, even if it’s totally impossible.

And sometimes when I get so engrossed in my own thoughts and something suddenly brings me back to reality I’ll realize that, crap, I was thinking of you again – like, my thoughts always go to you.

And you’re not even you anymore, you’re you. 

Jesus take the wheel.

I took this picture last year with my then very crappy ipod - I didn't even edit this yet it's grainer than if I actually do.

IV.

And even if I only see you for two seconds during lunch period buying pineapple juice with this girl I can’t possibly compete with, I still feel the butterflies during and after that period and after school and after I sleep –

·         You got a girl somewhere within the weekend

·         It was a long time coming so I wasn’t really surprised

·         I just hope the line between “just you” and “you and her” isn’t so blurry

·         She is holding my whole world in her calloused hands

You’re not on hallways anymore you’re not on desks anymore you’re on murmurs of the crowd you’re a blown dandelion that I can’t catch and hold and keep and fly with because I’m always a second too late or too early; I take one look at you and you’re gone you’re gone because you have immersed all parts of yourself on her you are now lost in her and I can’t see you anymore

I’m actually surprised that I haven’t shed a tear or have been brought down by this; instead, I feel like I’ll burst with tears when I see you because you’re so beautiful (and as Rainbow Rowell said, boys aren't supposed to be beautiful, but you are) and you are the kind of person I want to get lost in and lost with and even if the only times I see you are when you’re with her I don’t really care because your mere existence is enough to fill the fault lines within me that have been causing internal tremors.

You literally changed my life in a sense that you gave everything a brand new meaning and my view on life is so different now and it’s pretty hard for me to remember what it was like before you and I don’t want to come back to such a dark, boring, mundane world that would send me to eternal sleep like what would I write about then ???? You brought out the best in me and you could pretty much be labeled as one of my heroes. Even though this is unrequited I don’t think this is less fulfilling or less heartbreaking or less significant as the returned kind. I have never seen anyone like you and even if I do, they will just be second best. You reshaped my life from a distance, and that’s not even the amazing part – you gave me the courage the do it myself, and even if you leave, the bravery you gave me will never. I’m not hurt or anything—besides, she’s just a girl and you’re fragments of crazy, unsaid wishes and weird, different variations of laughs and you always find a way to bring some kind of light in places I was too afraid to enter and you’re all I ever write about because you are my definition of beautiful and a perfect day—

You changed my definition of beautiful things from ‘elusive’

                                                                                                                                to ‘you’.

***

I am very, very sorry for being MIA for the past month. I have legitimate excuses reasons this time - we had no wifi for about two and a half weeks and I just finished going through the ultimate hell on earth (also known as exam week).

This post is quite different from what I usually blog about; I just figured that, the typical text I include in this blog are just occasional blabber sandwiched between journals that are dedicated to, well, this. It took me a lot of courage to actually publish this, so I might delete this when I wake up on the middle of the night regretting ever doing this and as much as I'd like to do more of these, I don't think I can.

Anyway, I'd be more active now as my to-do list had emptied a teeny tiny bit. I also created a playlist (A PLAYLIST!!!!!!!! YES A FRICKING PLAYLIST!!!! NOT JUST ONE SONG I EMBEDDED FROM YOUTUBE BUT AN ACTUAL PLAYLIST THAT I MADE ON 8TRACKS!!!!!!) for this. 

carnivore/carnival from maundering on 8tracks Radio.

I wanted to include this in the playlist, but I figured it would be better if it was listened to alone. Lie down and listen to this again and again until you get what I mean.

I've been listening to 8tracks a lot lately, and even if I've been playing the same genre as I have always listened to, I'm glad to discover all these new songs! *cue squealing* What have you been listening to? xx