REJECTS

It's very dark in my mind -- oh, and in the living room too.

Day 1 – Too fast. Everything is too fast. Too many stories on our lunch table; too much silence between classes. I feel really sad and anxious when I’m in class and there’s no one I could talk to, but when I see my friends again, I feel okay—grand, even. I think my feelings would just fluctuate everyday; I hope not, though.

Day 2 – I’m still somewhat friendless in my classroom, but I don’t feel sad about it anymore. And that’s bad because I won’t work hard for it and I’ll be friendless for the rest of the school year, but let’s just see how it goes. Either way, it’s fine for me.

Day 3 – I’m in math, and I don’t get it. I don’t get anything. Not just math – everything. There used to be a system. It all felt familiar. It all made sense. Now the halls are full of strangers. I’m lost in places I’ve been to a thousand times before. No face has been seen through frosted glass again.

It’s just the third day of school, and I’m already tired. Good tired (for now, but I hope it lasts). It feels kinda good to be back at my old routine and all. I know being away from all my friends would probably be the biggest challenge, and I’m still alone in my classroom, but I did catch up with them, and I found out that I’m not the only one feeling lost and stuff. Like, I know it’s bad that we all feel dazed right now, but at least we’ll daze together, you know?

(I write very differently now, like I’m talking to someone. Is this your effect on me? God, I wish you didn’t affect me this much.)

Day 4 – I’m fine. Happy, I guess? I like my classes, my friendships are doing great (I think), and I’ve made new ones, and stuff like that. I’m just a little caught up in the competition, but I’ll forgive myself—it’s just the first week.

My brain feels null, like I’m not creative, at all. Like, I just walk by life. Walking, doing nothing. I feel really empty and bad and gray—and my stupid emotion swings couldn’t have chosen a worse time. I keep saying things that make no sense in class, my writing got crappier again, and I perform like a stereotype.

Day 5 – Whenever I’m with someone, I laugh and talk and be happy, but when I’m back to being alone, everything I’ve been trying to escape from comes creeping in again. I feel like everything I do now is Be Alone and Dumb and I just fail all the time and I’m so frustrated and I keep embarrassing myself and I know I should forgive myself but I’m just so mad at myself and everyday I try really hard to go to school with a clean slate but at the end of the day the slate gets messed up and ripped and I’m running out of slates. The only thing I can do is Go To School As The Smart Kid and I’m not even that good at it.

Day 6 – My mom told me about this certain patient they have that had high fever after undergoing some kind of therapy. She explained that his body thinks the medication is a foreign body, hence it is fighting it, clueless that it will actually help. I’ve been thinking and I think that’s what’s up with me and school. I got so engrossed with my easygoing routine that my mind refused to function just to prove its condemnation of acknowledging that I am in school. I am now awake, and ready.

I’m back. These are just residue from last week’s cynical episode.

Day 7 – Oh wow I’m actually happy. I have so many reasons to smile, things are going my way, and class is a tad less frustrating now. I finally understood math [HERALD ANGELS SING] and I learned to let some things go (like being friendless). Life isn’t just bearable – it’s top-to-bottom awesome.

Day 9 – I swore I’d never fricking feel this way. I swore the fact that I’m friendless won’t bother me. But everyday it’s getting harder and harder to have everyone else bump on my chair on the way to their friends. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of acquaintances. What I don’t have are friends. All of them are away, and those that I trusted to join me in this odyssey of friendlessness has been screaming in awe and laughing just this afternoon—with their friends. I’m trying really hard but I just don’t belong here. It seems so easy for everyone else. I don’t want to be sad. I’m not even friendless. I have friends, and I see them during breaks. Just because no one talks to me between classes and I have a hard time picking partners doesn’t mean I’m friendless. It’s just the sky. The sky’s sad, so I am too. This is fine. I’ll be fine.

Day 10 – I’m happy. So happy that I even forgot I was even sad yesterday. I don’t know, I’m just really giddy for some reason. I’m happy and nothing even happened today.

I have found happiness.

***

I don’t know what to say about my first two weeks of school, mainly because (a) I’m currently watching the first two seasons of Sherlock and the only thing in my mind is “JOHNLOCK JOHNLOCK JOHNLOCK”, and (b) it was literally an emotional roller coaster, but I’m happy. I just don’t have to let sadness win.

These are excerpts from my journal entries. They’re really raw and unpolished because I wanted to show the manner of how I wrote them to accentuate what I was feeling when I penned everything down. Or something.  I skipped Day 8 because the only thing I wrote about it was something about my stupid, obsessive high school crush and UGGGG

I’m on my fourth week now and I’m still frustrated with math I’m trying my best to be happy all the time. My favorite song at the moment is Rejects by 5 Seconds of Summer, as I think it fits my situation right now (but of course I’m biased). I started the school year all confident, always reminding myself that even if I’m away with my friends I can still have the best year ever with out-of-school activities to match and stuff like that, but what’s a cliché teenage movie that is Life without antagonists called Fate, Circumstance, and Other People? I’m just thankful I’m on a happy scene right now—although I think it won’t last long.