YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG, OR HOWEVER THAT GOES

“Aren’t you too young to be saying/feeling/complaining about that type of stuff?” erGh I know I have no idea why I have to endure such Suffering at a Young, Tender Age. 

Two months ago I wanted to write about romantic frustration. It was because of petty reasons, sure, but I had all these ideas – “You can’t expect someone to be the light to guide you home when they can’t even build enough fire for themselves;” “A hand to hold is not everything – I mean, it’s one of the most wonderful things in the world, but it’s not the most wonderful thing in the world. There are other things that have equal wonder;” you know, stuff like that, and I was really feelin’ myself man. It was all word vomit but it had a point. And I wanted to prove to that guy who didn’t even accept my friend request that I never liked him anyway (1/2 jk).

Of course I never got around to posting it, and it’s still sitting in my laptop, waiting to SLAAAAY ALL MY TWO READERS only to be held back by “wait people I know will actually see this” and “what if people think, you’re only sixteen, you shouldn’t be thinking about that kind of stuff or does this girl write about anything else besides romantic love? Or is that the only thing that runs through her petty little head?” The fear that these feelings, emotions that I was kind of scared to let people know I have, would just be invalidated as pseudo-deep or as not real feelings made me so anxious. It’s three a.m. and they’re in your veins, uh huh nice “”poetry”” bud how’d eight grade treat ya. 

That fear made me second-guess everything I did, especially when it came to this blog. I wanted to censor everything – “no I can’t swear people will see this” “no I can’t say that I feel this people will see this” “no I can’t people will see” “no I can’t people will see this and dismiss what I say as complaints random rambles of the youth no sense no significance not real made up in my head because of tumblr because of the internet how do you expect to be treated seriously when you’re not serious invalid invalid invalid invalid.” I rarely even post here anymore because no idea seemed innocent enough, or smart enough, important enough. No idea screamed ‘listen to me!! What I say matters!!’ loud enough. 

Looking back at all the writing I actually posted on here, only a few looked genuine. A whole bunch were too censored or too polished and scrubbed clean, and it doesn’t even seem ‘me’ anymore, if that makes sense. I guess the internet does that to you – there are a bajillion pixels between you and the world, and you can make those pixels shine a different light on you and the world will believe. Those pretentious instagram feeds, I’m-better-than-you snapchat stories; it’s all so addicting. I can bend the truth to the way I want and if it’s on the internet, then dammit it’s real.

For example, this dress is the first thing I bought with the money I earned through blogging. Ah, that made me sound like a topnotch contributor to the blogosphere and wow I actually get money from this like the big dogs do but really, I just got one promo job from an Asia-renowned clothing website and I got paid with a voucher. It’s so easy to pretend that oh I get $$$ from blogging on the daily and come on I’m someone important, because it’s the internet – it lets you look at people’s life closely, but only close enough that you see that hey, they’re just like you, but undeniably prettier, richer, smarter, more popular, more important, better. But I digress.

The point is, I’m fucking tired of being scared of feeling invalidated because I’m "just sixteen and too young for anything". I don’t want to feel apologetic anymore. I’m not asking to have all my ramblings carved in stones to be held by Moses in a mountain or something, I just don’t want to feel the need to nitpick what I see hear think, segregating the intelligent thoughts and throwing away everything that doesn't come close. I want to tell everyone about everything because this is all so new and exciting and kinda petrifying, everything’s kinda the best and worst thing ever, I’m kinda lost but it kinda feels like home - 

I am young and this is what I feel.