I DON'T KNOW

There. I said it. I don't know.

Me and my friends has once again done these group shoots, and I've been drafting my first try at so-called inspiring posts to go with the pictures we took. It's actually done, but I have decided to not publish it first. 

This had no draft; I'm publishing it as soon as I finished typing. I don't know why I'm doing this, maybe I just don't want to sugarcoat things. I don't want this to be too personal, but I don't want this to be pseudo or too fake. 

So here it goes.

I don't know what's happening with my life, or on a clearer note, I don't know what to feel about what's happening with my life. I'm not in a rut, as some of you may think right now. I'm not sad, I'm unhappy. There's a difference. I'm numb. I'm not lonely; but I'm not happy either. I don't know, I can't feel anything. I can't smile yet I can't cry. 

What scares me the most is I don't know why I'm numb. They say that if someone gets hurt too much, they become numb to pain. What if?

My friends are so tumblr omg 

But then it hit me. I am overthinking. I kept asking what-if's that were not even there in the first place. I'm creating my own problems. I don't want to underthink though. I don't like not having an answer. I want to analyze things, so I know what to do next. 

But am I really numb? How do you know when you're numb? How can you feel you're numb when being numb indicates not feeling at all?

Or am I just filled with emptiness inside?

And just because I'm numb, doesn't mean you can do all those things to me again and again.
I, too, am being hurt.
And being numb just makes it more painful.

Maybe I just quite enjoy the pain. Happiness seems more valuable when I'm in deep melancholy. I am not strong enough to harm myself, so I just let others do.

I LOVE THIS OK. CALUM HOOD AND I ARE MEANT TO BE. CAN'T YOU JUST SEE IT.

i used to want your life;

you seemed to have it

all together.

perfectly.

some say all of life

is a puzzle, and the

truth of the statement

breathes in every crack

and crevice of my being,

but yours never seemed

cracked.

everything was solid

about it; your dreams,

your living, and you

were sure of yourself.

which is something i never was.

but now i see how many times

words only scrape the surface

of the soul.

they hide it so we

can't see the darkest,

loneliest crevices that hide tears.

we can't see behind the

smiles that hide a deep

abiding weariness that

releases it's pent up emotions

with the severity and sorrow

of a winter storm

on your pillow at night.

alone.

i wonder why i always

assume that what we see on

the surface is the real you.

i learned the truth about the

ocean a long time ago.

how on the surface, floats the

seaweed; the tiny particles

of sand that cling to the sunlight,

and the green moss that swirls

around your ankles.

only when you brave the waters,

jumping deep, with the water

splashing your skin clean,

can you see the depth

behind the mirage of

nothingness.

and it's true with you too,

isn't it?

only it isn't quite so simple.

but this i know.

you are just like us.

you hide your pain; why

i don't know. i wonder why

your eyes are empty at eight o'clock,

noon, and six; why

you look up eagerly, your eyes

hungry, whenever the door opens.

perhaps no one will never know.

but someone notices when

your thoughts are miles away,

and when your smile doesn't

reach your eyes.

you think no one notices, but they do.

maybe you don't mean to hide,

but i think it's a natural reflex.

we hide to protect ourselves;

the fragility of our sanity,

the sensitivity of our souls,

the haven of our minds.

because hiding is easier

than taking that chance.

whatever it is.

but take a chance.

don't hesitate to love.

trust. love. believe. live.

life is too short to be caught up

in fears of failure, and too special

to be alone, even if it is only

in your mind.

take the plunge, step off the cliff,

make the jump, open your heart.

just do it.

you don't want to be alone,

i know. no one does.

the haven of your mind

may be cracked open, and shared

with a listening heart,

and some of your pain may

pour out and melt away as it is

combined with the love of another.

people will break your heart,

events will change your life,

you will get hurt.

but don't let that make you afraid-

because, i promise,

loving will be worth it.

someday.

////////////////////////////

maybe this is written for you, maybe it's written for a person i've never met. but i know one thing. it is for someone. 

Poem from finding beauty 

Outfit:

Aeropostale hanging top

Edwin shorts

Overly used Converse shoes